My Re-Entry

Dear Friends and Clients,

Today is President’s Day and, although I have mixed feelings about entering my own commentaries into the frenzy of our Presidential politics, I can already see some quite interesting Hilarion Astrological pronouncements regarding the candidates which can serve in enlightening us as to that proverbial ‘ method to the madness’ which I will be sharing with you in the days to come.

I am happy to say that I am feeling well enough today to sit down and share some thoughts and feelings with you as a completion of my medical ‘blog’ as it were.

As I look back on these past few months, engaged in treatments for throat cancer, I feel like I have just come through Homer’s Odyssey or the 12 Labors of Hercules. It feels like a series of peaks and valleys, coming up against one crisis, making through it in time to meet the next one.

As I stated in an earlier newsletter, two weeks into my radiation and chemotherapy treatment I came down with the most severe pain I have ever had in my life, appearing in my upper arms and shoulders. It went undiagnosed for a week and a half until some pimples appeared on my right upper arm providing the clarifying diagnosis of shingles.

It took some weeks for that pain to subside so I was on round-the-clock pain medications to get through it.

I am happy to say that, in addition to my conventional doctors, I am also consulting with a very good naturopathic doctor here in Seattle who had already prescribed the lysine, Echinacea and enzymes that many of you recommended to me for treating shingles.

He also agreed that there was no way I could avoid taking the conventional anti-viral drug at a pretty high dosage as this shingles episode was occurring in the middle of chemotherapy and radiation treatment.

The combination of all of these drugs and treatments, however, brought me to where I was so nauseous that even taking my anti-nausea pill made me vomit. All I could get down were sips of hot water. That was a bad weekend. By Sunday I was again in the Emergency Room, this time to get fluid and intra-venous anti-nausea medications.

It was a slow recovery from that as the fatigue from the chemo and radiation started coming on stronger as well. I think CBD oil did help in that regard.

I had done pretty well at protecting my neck, tongue and throat with natural, herbal preparations but then, just as the nausea started to back off, those parts of my body got hit pretty hard. First there emerged sores on my tongue and an inflamed throat to where it was very painful to talk or swallow. There was the question as to whether I would need a feeding tube or not.

Then, in the last week of radiation, and worsening in the two weeks following, my neck became inflamed with second/third degree burns, which are only now starting to subside.

As you might imagine I have lost a lot of weight through all of this. Those of you who know me know that I don’t normally have a lot of weight to lose. I’ve been saying: “If anyone knows a casting director looking for someone to play a starving refugee, I think I could easily play that part.”

As a result of losing so much weight, however, my radiation doctor was uncertain if the previous measurements taken were still reliably accurate for locating the proper angle for the radiation beams, especially for the last week of treatment which is much more specifically focused. So, two weeks before the end of radiation treatment they did another CAT scan, and yes it did show how my weight loss had shifted things a bit.

It also revealed, however, as far as my doctor could tell, both tumors, the primary one in my throat, and the secondary one in my lymph node, were totally gone.

Later, I asked my doctor if that was just moderately good news or if it was really good news. He said it was really good news, especially as we had seen the secondary tumor in my lymph node start to reduce after only two weeks into treatment.

He said radiation treatment is more questionable when it takes all the way until the end of treatment, or even two or three weeks after treatment for the tumor(s) to finally give up and dissolve.

He said he could almost say that he is 100% convinced the cancer will not return. So that is the positive prognosis I mentioned earlier this month.

Now, I could attribute my good results to the fact that I had used Hilarion’s recommended Inert Gas Therapy beam therapy to dislodge the astral entity he says is the actual way in which cancer is created in the body; as well as my having worked seriously on the psychological/karmic issues involved in that entity being given access to my body by my Spiritual Guides who are responsible for my personal evolution.

I can also feel, and express heartfelt gratitude for all of the positive love, support and focused healing energies I have felt from so many of you. You have definitely made this odyssey much easier to endure and I am sure those healing energies sent my way have had their positive effect.

And even though I have been given a space here where I could be comfortably alone and go into the deep isolation I feel I needed for myself as I went through this intense journey, I am still really grateful to my brother who came out from Florida to help me as my cook, chauffeur and dishwasher during the last two weeks of my treatment. And I am grateful to my other friends here in Seattle who have been helping me out in various ways and, again, to all of you out there.

In fact, for this final log of my medical journey I decided to, once again, perform ‘bibliomancy,’ opening a book for a message. This time I opened a book sent to me to help in my journey by my dear friend Claudia in Portland. The book is called ‘The Book of Awakening,’ by Mark Nepo.

Here is the passage I opened to:

First is a quote by R.D. Chin: The eyes experience less stress when they can look upon a wider horizon.

And then:

Whether it be physics or architecture or Eastern forms of meditation or Western forms of prayer, every field of inquiry affirms the fact that the wider our view, the less isolated we are. The more connected we stay to everything larger than us, the less turbulent our time on Earth.

This is why it helps to share our journey with others, because in so doing we become a chorus of voices, and the stress of going solo lessens once we discover that we are not alone.

As light when confined turns to heat, the stuff of our lives when confined ignites brush fires out of our isolation. I felt the difference dramatically when joining a wellness group during my cancer experience. Alone, I was feeling the heat of dying. But once voicing my pain in a circle of others on the same path, my heart relaxed back into the light of living.

So when you see someone stumbling forward with a stone in their heart, simply go near them and listen. When the pains of living feel sharp, open up your attention and give it freely, and the connections will even out the sharpness. When things feel heavy, reach out to whomever is near and distribute the weight.

My thanks again to the angels who arrange these messages for us!

I must say, I had mixed feelings about opening up my personal plight to this public forum. I was feeling something along the lines of: “Since I am trying to make my living as a kind of guide and healer for others, I may appear less viable or attractive for such service if I share my own personal physical imbalances and karmic challenges.”

I am sure I wouldn’t have considered doing so if I was not feeling the possible desperate need to come up with the money for alternative treatment and to help relieve some of the inevitable financial stress this was going to create for me.

Still, I had to ask my Tarot cards if I should or not. I am really grateful that the cards said yes. The love and support and feeling of connection with so many of you has been a real blessing to me.

And there is no denying that the financial support has been a big part of the blessing, to be able to pay for all of the expenses not covered by my insurance, and to feel so much more relaxed about the time I have had to take off and am still going to need to take off to recover.

As far as recovery I do have one lingering result from this challenge to my body. As a result of the nerve pain from the shingles, I have been left with some nerve damage in my left arm and shoulder, to where certain muscles are no longer working properly, making it difficult or impossible to do certain things with that arm. I have seen a physical therapist and have exercises to do, and it is slowly improving, but we are uncertain as to how many months it will take to restore the full use of that arm.

For now I plan to remain here in Seattle until at least the middle of March. Getting through the snow up to my cabin and chopping wood to heat it are out of the question for now.

I am still going to the chemotherapy clinic three days a week to get fluids to support my hydration. On three other days of the week I go for two and a half hour acupuncture treatments. I can really tell how those acupuncture treatments have been greatly helpful at raising my ‘Chi’ and lifting me slowly out of my fatigued state.

I have been waiting to see if I would have to cancel my workshop on February 28th at the East West Bookshop here in Seattle. It is a workshop called:’ Masculine and Feminine in the New Millennium: From the Cosmic to the Personal.’ I am happy to say that, even though my neck may still be burnt, I will be able to talk, and well enough to share what I have to share.

I will postpone my spring travels, which would normally begin in early April, until mid-May. I have asked my Tarot cards, however, and they have encouraged me to follow-through on my commitments to teach workshops in China in May/June.

I still have really bad dry mouth and everything tastes like cardboard, but they say these too should improve with time.

During this odyssey I heard the news of the deaths of David Bowie, Glenn Frey of the Eagles, and others, men only a few years older than myself. I also learned of cancer diagnoses of so many others of my age group. I know I have lived my life with a lot of what Carl Jung called: Puer Aeternus archetypal energy, literally ‘Eternally Young.’

Well, I can say I am now much more grounded to reality as it is and to the limits of this material life. With this new awareness I know that, one, I need to be much more compassionate with and sensitive to the limits and needs of my physical body.

Two, passing on the gifts I have been given in the form of the books I hope to write, as well as the completion of the EBook publications of The Hilarion Series are much greater priorities now.

And three, I have come to recognize that the time is approaching where I cannot travel so much to teach and to do readings for you all in person, where it will be time for me to go into deeper retreat. To facilitate that, however, I am hoping to convince more of you to have your readings by telephone or Skype; or to come visit me in the guest house/retreat center I hope to create.

This experience of feeling the network of connection with all of you, even though we don’t all live in the same place, has really brought a deeper focus and priority upon maintaining, not only my newsletters and monthly sharings with you all, but also this envisioned 3-season (Spring, Summer, Fall) guest house. For, even though I need quiet and isolation to do my work, I am also much more aware of and appreciative of the need for community with others.

I look forward to future connections between us on whatever levels that may be.

My Love and Thanks to You All,
Steffan